If they have had very disturbed parents or parents who are alcoholics or violent they say: 'Why me?'

If they have had very disturbed parents, or parents who are alcoholics or violent, they say: 'Why me?' And I always say: 'Why not you?' Parents are fallible human beings like the rest of us."Finally, does this approach work? Dryden thinks that it does. "Research shows that cognitive behaviour therapy [CBT] is more effective than other therapies. In comparative studies, psycho- dynamic therapy is as successful as CBT when the therapist is more active than usual and creates a focus, in which case it comes to resemble CBT."But even in cognitive behaviour therapy, the therapist can only do so much. If the patient steadfastly refuses to put the advice into practice, they do not get much out of it."For some the effort is just too much For them, the words of Oscar Wilde will ring true. "Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."8 'How to Cope with Difficult Parents', by Dr Windy Dryden and Jack Gordon, to be published by Sheldon Press on 23 November, pounds 6.99they favoured my sisterOlivia Black (not her real name) is convinced that her difficulties with her parents stem from the fact that they wanted a boy Her mother's first child was a girl. Then Olivia appeared."According to my parents, I was awkward from the moment I was born.

I was always the argumentative one, the one that wanted a fight. It never occurred to them that if I was awkward it might have been in response to something in them."Olivia, now a 33-year-old social worker in Birmingham and married with two children, was born abroad, where her father was working. But at the age of five, her mother brought her and her sister back to Britain Their father joined them three years later. "Suddenly, I changed country, changed house and lost my father."I was left with my mother, all of whose emotional energy was invested in my sister The two of them are very alike and get on well My sister has always taken their part.

My mother now favours her children over mine."Olivia feels her parents were neglectful and rejecting, but without malicious intent. "They were gobsmacked when I recently told them what I felt about my childhood."I will never forget the time when I was six and my father, who was working abroad, came back to England to see his brother and never came to see us."From the age of 11, I was always left alone on Christmas Day. My sister, who was four years older, would spend it with her boyfriend, and my parents would go out for the day I was stuck at home, getting sourer by the minute. By the time we all had Christmas dinner at 7pm, I was criticised for being in a bad mood."During my teens, I was a keen swimmer and took part in county and national championships. My father came to see me swim only once, and in that race, I came last.

I was not only hurt by the way they did not come to see me, but by the way that they took no interest in my activities I had to get myself to the events, get my own gear It was a major event getting a swimsuit out of my mother. She asked me if I was sure that I would use it."I have managed recently to let go of some of my anger and sense of injustice and am left with a feeling of sadness and a lack of expectation from them."they drove me inside myselfEmma Ryan (not her real name), a 56-year-old photo-journalist from north London, suffered from a domineering father and an inaccessible mother."My father was huge, powerful and verbally abusive. He was abusive to everyone in the family, but my mother took the brunt of it. He was abusive for no apparent reason."He suffered from depression and used to get into these foul moods which lasted for weeks. My mother told me that sometimes she would shake every time he came through the door, not because of fear, but because of stress She was no victim.